- Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
The past few weeks Satan has been attacking my heart. He has been filling it with thoughts of unworthiness, defeat, anger, and frustration. I have always struggled with my self esteem. Why is it so hard to admit failure? Why it is so hard to admit and believe we are not perfect? I have had days that I wish not even the Lord had seen. God has been working on my heart, mouth, and thoughts. He has been encouraging me to turn to Him first when I am struggling rather than someone or something of this world. He has shown me darkness, selfishness, and other ugly things inside me that need prayer and change.
I have been, yet again, humbly moved to tears, silence, and overwhelming peace as He has helped me see the mother and wife He desires me to be. I have felt God laying these thoughts on my heart for some time and needing to place them here to allow myself to become more transparent and accountable. I have resisted, covered my eyes, not wanting to see who was looking back at me in the mirror.
Today, the Lord spoke and I listened. He reminded me that I am not perfect, yet He loves me unconditionally! I rise every day and ask for His help, His desire and wisdom as I am allowed the incredible privilege of mothering these two small boys. Yet, every day I fail and He is still there whispering, patience my child. Holding my hand, encouraging me to "try again" or praising me when I do obey and follow His instructions. Just like I am doing with my boys. I am really no different than a toddler who needs constant direction, frequent reminders, detailed instructions, and unconditional love as I learn.
I have been praying for the Lord to help transform this ugliness into beauty that is a reflection of what He does desire for my life and not what I desire on my own. You will never guess what question I came across during my quiet time today?
- "What qualities does God want to produce in you as a mom? Ask Him to cleanse any undesirable qualities from your life, replacing them with the fruit of the spirit" (This was from that great devotional I mentioned before, 10-minute time outs for moms by Grace Fox)
A coincidence? I think not! Motherhood is one of the most challenging, rewarding, fulfilling, difficult and beautiful thing I have done. The beauty of it is I am never alone. God is there holding my hand. I just have to choose to take it and allow Him to lead the way.
But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control - Galations 5:22-23
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms -Deuteronomy 33:27
As I am presented with the daily challenges of motherhood, I will be listening for that sweet voice whispering in my ear, patience my child.