2 years ago I was laying on an operating table, holding Richard's hand, with tears streaming down my face as my obgyn doctor performed a D & C. Taking my baby who had been inside of me for 3 months, but had passed away days before. I would begin a long, dark walk after this through depression and my relationship with the Lord would only be strengthened.
A year ago I sat with tears streaming down my face and typed as the Lord allowed me to take the exact words from my heart and place them on a page in this post. It had taken me a whole year, but I was able to see a glimpse of how the Lord had used our sweet baby's short life to glorify His name. It was only the fact that our hardship had been for His glory that helped me survive.
I was able to say Thank You for losing our sweet Grace. Thank you for taking our baby, thank you for being with me in the darkness as I cried, questioned, and struggled with how this could be. Thank you for leading me down this path of darkness and holding me close every step of the way.
Last year Angie Smith challenged her blog readers to be thankful for something that they desired to feel the opposite about. Like loosing a child. We are instructed in the bible to be thankful in all things, whether we perceive them as good or bad.
This year, with tears streaming down my face again, I can say Thank you for "Bruce". Did I just say Bruce??? Yep, you heard me...Bruce. Although I could sit for hours and type all I am thankful for and yet again love to reflect on how God has provided in so many ways for our family, this year I am thankful for "Bruce".
"Bruce" is the name that our littlest one has inherited until birth. The little one that is thriving at 26 weeks in my belly. The little miracle that we have prayed and waited for the past 2 1/2 years. The little one that has also helped me try not to take any moment for granted. The little one that I know is not guaranteed to survive another day yet alone until birth. Not because there is anything wrong that we know of, but because I do not know God's plan for him or her. The little one that is helping me enjoy every kick, move and moment of life instead of worrying about what will happen tomorrow. The little life that I am praising the Lord for.
***(Bruce is our child's name for now because his or her two big brothers think we should name the baby Bruce Wayne Batman. Since that name doesn't happen to be on our list, we are compromising and calling the baby bruce until he or she is born)***
I am comforted by the fact that God is sovereign and His plan will prevail. Do I wonder what life would be like with little Grace running around here instead of watching us from heaven? Sure, however I know that wasn't God's plan for her life.
So despite not knowing what tomorrow will bring, I thank the Lord for so many things. Thank you for a loving husband who I couldn't live without. One who this year you have blessed with a job he loves and where you are working through him. One who is everything I could ever have imagined and more. One who I pray I will grow old with.
Thank you for two small boys who I love so much and am enjoying every minute of their lives (well maybe not the minutes when they are disobedient and grumpy, but most of the minutes). Who you are using to shape and mold me daily Lord. Who have blessed me in more ways than I can fathom. Who I am so thankful to call my children and be called mommy by.
Thank you for Grace. Thank you for her life, for continuing to use her to help others see the light when they are facing the same darkness. Thank you for Bruce. I pray you continue to protect him or her as that little one grows and prepares for life out here.
Thank you for a wonderful family who loves us and supports us and who we couldn't be without. What a blessing it has been to be close to family this past year!
Thank you for friends who are your hands and feet and whom we have been beginning to form relationships with that will hopefully last a long time.
Thank you for so much more. I look forward to seeing what the Lord has in store for us over the next year. I pray you are able to reflect upon God's plan for your life and praise His name despite the circumstances you are facing.