That was the most depressing, lonely, isolating, defeating time of my life. It is no way to live, and certainly not good for anyone involved! I realized something had to change because spending EVERY SINGLE DAY feeling like a failure and not living up to this unobtainable standard was WAY too much work and I was just a hot mess!
(Also I had given Richard my resignation letter from my job as a mom pretty much every day when he came home from work and he would kiss my forehead, look me in the eyes and tell me I was funny and offer to proofread my resignation letter for the next day since he had an English degree and all)
Isn't he the greatest??? He didn't take my offer for an all inclusive trip to a tropical island in exchange for my unemployment check after I resigned from motherhood. But he did delete text messages that could be used for evidence about my great ideas to make money fast like selling the current toddler to the highest bidder on ebay, or if he thought it was okay to duck tape my strongest willed child to their bed as long as I promised to check their circulation every 15 minutes and make sure they were still breathing of course! He would even eat my horrendous cooking and say really sweet things like, "Hey babe, let's put this one to the back of the recipe box and maybe don't add it to your list of meals you bring to a friend "
After my attempts to do everything myself failed (will I EVER learn my lesson....I mean seriously ), God picked up this hot-mess-mom-failure and freed me from my self induced prison hell hole! He dried my tears (and then had to use cold packs to reduce the swelling in my eyes so I could see again), and told me the most amazing thing. I was enough. He had chosen me for the #CrazyDafoes and He had my back if I needed anything! Then He gave Richard the wisdom to smile, nod and agree instead of saying I told you so!!!!
He placed on my heart a desire to be real, vulnerable and share my own motherhood triumphs and spectacular gong show moments in hopes that all the other poor hot-mess-mom's would realize He had their back too! AND that they were enough and the best mom for their little ones!
This blog has served as a place to free other moms from their own self-induced prison and to keep the precious stories of our daily life safe from the long term memory thieves who make you stop in your tracks every once and awhile and confirm you were sure you had no life prior to kids because it is so hard to fathom or requires more energy than you have to offer.
Along with every other mom that is honest, it really wouldn't be hard to list reasons why I have avoided pouring out my heart and sharing all my lovely stories for all to see and judge me for. The guilt of missing out on documenting the past 2 1/2 years also consumed me at times and made me sweaty and more tachycardic than a venti hazelnut machiatto from Starbucks does!
Then there's the physical reminders like empty baby books that collect dust in the closet and the 9 kabillion (math isn't my strong suit, but I am sure this is the largest number fathomable....I am positive I learned this from Diego, Cailou, or Ms. Frizzle from the other room one of the times I attempted to do something productive while my children were temporarily paralyzed by the tv) half done projects I have promised my kids.
Or maybe I could blame it on the constant struggle with keeping the house in a state of ------- while our 4 precious children prefer to create scenes from an end of the world documentary on a daily basis because it is just too damn hard to get the socks IN the hamper, or put the toys BACK where you found them, or they feel the need to leave clothes everywhere because they touched their body for 2 milliseconds so clearly they need to be washed!
2015 has been a hard year. I have been in awe of God's abundant blessings throughout every valley and mountain. So humbled watching Him provide for us while we have learned what is truly most important in life. These are stories for another day!
So while it seriously kills me to imagine ALL that has happened since I last wrote, I want to fill the pages with the moments I can recollect for my kids so they will never forget how God was with us EVERY second of the past year and how He provides admits darkness and unknown. If I could have just ONE life lesson for them to store deep in the most protected and treasured place of their heart it would be that God's continued love, protection, and provision through our darkest year is a truth they can believe for themselves. It is hard enough as an adult to comprehend how God is still amazing despite the struggles of our flesh! So I know that seems crazy to ask of a 10, 9, 5 and 4 year old, but God IS THAT BIG!!!
I am praying their memories will be filled with these truths and not of their mom too sick to get out of bed for months or the nasty chronic pain that controls our lives and dictates our every move!
I found it most fitting to resurrect the blog while we are enjoying a mini vacation that is another one of God's blessings throughout the darkness! (This is a post in itself so hopefully I can get that written before 2 more years go by)
In the mean time, I will be soaking up every minute with my #CrazyDafoes and praising God for this precious time together that we all desperately needed!