Not me Monday...

It has been awhile since I have participated in Not me Monday! If you are lost, check out MckMama for the details...and the following did NOT happen to me at all! (Due to the length of the story I am going to exclude all the statements that I did NOT do the following, but just know that is the case!)

So a few weeks ago the boys were both in desperate need of a bath. They were both in the tub and I was putting clothes away frantically in their room, trying to finish before there was more water on the floor than in the tub.

Earlier in the day Elijah had been complaining of a stomachache and I had written it off for not wanting to finish any of his meals because he was just too excited to play with whatever toy was waiting for him. However, when he said it again at supper I was a little concerned that he may in fact be getting the dreaded stomach flu! So, when he refused to finish his chicken pot pie we allowed him to be done and saved the rest for him to eat later if he was hungry. I also had been having a horrible day contracting all day and was in quite a bit of pain from the constant tightening of my uterus and nervous about these continuing contractions.

The boys were in the tub all fresh and clean having a grand old time when I heard some coughing and then silence. Now, I must tell you that they have this disgusting habit of drinking the bath water or at least letting it run into their mouths and then out again. We have discouraged this and explained why it is a little gross to drink water you have been bathing in, but they often forget this minor detail when having so much fun playing.

So I heard the coughing and silence. I waited for a few seconds to hear more coughing and recovery, and asked if they were ok. Instead I heard Jonah's very nervous voice calling for me. I ran into the bathroom and saw Elijah standing in the tub with big eyes and blue lips trying to cough out the water but not making any noise or breathing. I grabbed him from the tub, around the waist, and lifted him out and over to the toilet and gave him a few good blows to the back.

I think the combination of my squeeze on his tummy and bending him over the toilet caused him to cough up the water and loose his supper into the toilet. As he is puking and having some even come out his nose he asks me in between gasps for air if he can go back into the tub. What a trooper! I then said what any loving mother would, "Just finish throwing up honey, then you can go back into the tub."

In case you forgot, our older son Jonah (who is still in the tub) has a VERY sensitive gag reflex. So sensitive that a stinky fart, sound of a gagging brother, etc can cause him to throw up. As I hear him gagging behind me I yell for Richard to come and distract him while I restrain Elijah from jumping back into the tub while he is puking.

I also yell at Jonah to cover his ears, plug his nose and think of a happy thought. He somehow manages to do all these things and recites "Grandma's house, Grandma's house, Grandma's house" for his happy thought.

By the time Richard came to our rescue, the emergency was ending and things were under control so he returned to our bedroom where he was putting clean clothes away.

After getting them settled back into the tub I started to walk down the hall towards our bedroom and realized my sweatpants were soaked from my waist to my knees.

Since I had been having such bad contractions that day I immediately thought my water had broke. My mind went into panic mode and I immediately start thinking the worst. Like that we aren't even 28 weeks yet, or would I be shipped to Fargo and put on bedrest, or would I have to deliver and have our baby on a ventilator and be in the NICU for months, or would our little fighter succumb to the numerous complications premies face like a bleed in the brain, retinopathy of prematurity, necrotizing enterocolitis, or have horrible lungs as a result from being born early.

As I am rambling off my fears to Richard, he is trying to comprehend what I am saying and asking me if we need to go to the hospital or if my water truly did break. There was definite fear in his eyes.

At that moment I was brought back to reality and realized how badly I had to pee while I was putting the boys clothes away and that I had decided to finish doing that before going to the bathroom. Which was right before Elijah started chocking and turning blue on me.

So fortunately I only peed my pants and just didn't realize it because I was more worried about my child who was not breathing and not my lack of bladder control.

After realizing this I was able to breathe a little easier, but continued to amaze Richard that I could pee my pants that bad and not realize it for so long! The beauty of having a weakened bladder after having kids I guess and being pregnant!

I hope you haven't peed your pants while reading this and that at least you got a good laugh for the day. We all certainly need them and I am more than happy to allow you to laugh on my behalf!

So what did you NOT do this past week?

One of my favorite rooms

We moved into our home in July of 2008 and quickly realized that there is always something we can be doing to "improve" our home or make it more our own. Richard has done an excellent job doing all the jobs himself. He continues to amaze me with his endless list of skills and talents related to fixing and working around our house. One of the projects he recently finished was the trim in our living room and hallway.

When we moved in we tore the carpet up and Richard refinished the beautiful hardwood floors that lay under it. During this process we had to take the trim off and realized it wasn't in any shape to be reused. Richard picked out some beautiful trim and crown molding to replace it but we (or I suppose I should say he) hasn't had enough time to finish it.

He worked very hard over his Thanksgiving break and the last few weeks to finish it and it looks BEAUTIFUL. I am so proud of him and impressed. He also helped me (well mostly he did it and I helped him) hang some pictures that I have been waiting to put up for a long time.

The room has always been one of my favorite rooms in my house for a few reasons. One because it is very cozy and two because it has a wonderfully large picture window to look out while relaxing. Now that it is almost "finished" I like it even more!

Here is my wonderful hubby measuring and making sure the pictures are level and straight. (You can even see the beautiful trim and crown molding in the background).

Here are the pictures we had taken last June by Stacy. She did a great job and it is fun to be able to display them for all to see.

Here is the final product. Doesn't it look inviting? Don't you just want to come over and join me for a cup of coffee and a chat? The door is always open...

Bring on the snow!

I am trying to catch up on blogging so here are a few pictures from the past few weeks and our beautiful snow we finally have! The first real snow fall was December 1st! It has been nice and COLD up here and it finally feels like Christmas is coming. The boys have been enjoying it as much as possible despite the negative temps and wonderful North Dakota wind.

Isn't it pretty?

The first time out playing in the snow...it was in the mid 30s and they were out there for hours!

Here are my boys getting ready to go sledding for the first time of the year. They were so excited to spend what felt like hours getting the 500 layers I required them to wear and then pose for a picture! I opted to stay inside and keep the baby warm ;0) The sledding trip was a success and they are looking forward to many more days in the snow.

Of course after sledding you have to warm up with some hot chocolate and a good book!

We hope you are all staying nice and warm and getting ready to celebrate the birth of Christ!
(Wow, I wonder if I could use a few more exclamation points this post?!?!)

28 weeks and an OB appointment with two toddlers!

Hurray we are 28 weeks! This is a monumental milestone for me for a few reasons. One being that if I do go into labor early our baby will be able to stay at Altru in Grand Forks! The other just being that we are simply one more week closer to meeting the little bugger! I am still having contractions and they are getting a lot stronger and a little more frequent. Please keep praying for the protection of this little one. My OB is confident it is just my uterus being more sensitive since this isn't the first time around the block ;0) I was feeling pretty good about it until last night when they were so strong and frequent that I almost went to the hospital! Thankfully they stopped before I decided to go.

I did however bring the boys with to my 28 week appointment yesterday. It was the first one they had been to and it was quite an adventure. I also realized they hadn't been with me when I had gone to the doctor before period. Jonah had, but when he was too little to remember. They thought this was fascinating since I have been with them to almost every single appointment they have ever had at the doctor.

We spent quite a bit of time discussing what happens ahead of time since they were so curious. I explained that I had a girl doctor and she was very nice and walked through what would happen. (In Iowa the boys had a female pediatrician and when we moved to GF we switched to a male. They were flabbergasted that boys could be doctors too). They wanted to know if I would do the same things that they did when they went to the doctor (get weighed, measured, have my arm get a hug by the blood pressure cuff, and get a shot). I told them that I would have all those things done except a shot, but they would have to take some of my blood for some tests to make sure I was feeling ok.

They were pretty cute when we got there and were very excited to see where I went to the doctor and that it was my turn and they wouldn't have to do anything! I forgot about the whole peeing in a cup business (since it is so routine at this point since you do it at every appointment). When we checked into the receptionist she handed me the cup and said after I peed to come back for my orange crush (for my glucose test).

Of course Jonah, who doesn't miss anything, overheard this and pulled me aside with a concerned look in his eyes. He said "Mom, did she say you have to pee in that cup?" I laughed and told him yes I do so they can make sure I am not sick. He asked how I was going to do that because it was such a small cup and if it was hard to get the pee in it. Then he thought it was good that I got a prize for peeing in the cup since it seemed so hard to do. I asked him what he meant and he said, "well that lady said you get a pop if you pee in that cup, so don't mess up mom!"

I brought both boys into the bathroom with me and tried to as discreetly as possible pee in the cup. Elijah was oblivious to the whole thing and wanted to know if the baby would be changed on the diaper changing table like he did when he was little. Jonah was front and center and was fascinated that I was able to do this. Afterwards we were fortunately called into the office quickly and the poor nurse was hounded with questions about everything and anything she was doing. They wanted to know how many numbers I was (my weight) and how she knew what numbers to pick when she was hugging my arm (blood pressure), and what all the colors meant on the dip stick they use to test your urine.

We only had to wait about 15 minutes before my doctor came in and they did a good job of sitting as still as possible while we waited and played "I spy" with the items in the room. (Probably only safe if your kids aren't old enough to know what the pictures are of). I will probably not share this information with them when they get older or if I do, they can add it to the therapy time they will receive for everything else they have experienced.

When my OB came in she stopped and introduced herself to them and asked them about the new baby coming and what they thought. She was so sweet and I was so relieved to see her interacting so much with them. I have always felt confident with her and enjoyed my appointments. She does an excellent job of making me feel as though I am a very important patient, not rushing through our time together and especially being up to date on my crazy history and concerns. While we were chatting about my contractions that are still persisting, the boys managed to take apart the stirrups in the bed! Good thing they are easy to put back together :0)

Next it was my turn to be measured and to find that beautiful little heartbeat. Jonah was dying to use the doppler and I told him he could probably do this, but we would have to wait and ask. I thought he was going to explode from excitement when she asked if anyone wanted to help her do the next part. She pushed the chair up for him and let him squirt the gel on my belly and use the doppler. He was one proud big brother when he found it right away! A beautiful 140 beats per minute!

Elijah confirmed my suspicions of jealousy being a problem when this little one arrives by being very clingy, not interested in helping, and proclaiming he was crabby whenever anyone asked him a question. Oh well, I can hardly blame the guy he is a momma's boy to the T and at least we can be more conscious of it. He also spent the rest of the day saying he isn't a BIG brother but a LITTLE brother!

After the exam portion of my appointment we headed to the lab to wait until exactly one hour after I chugged the delicious orange Crush. The boys were a little nervous waiting and their little eyes were just about popping out of their head while the lab tech drew my blood. They remained about a foot away and refused to come hold my hand. They were also a little concerned that I was trapped when I sat down in the chair and the lab tech lowered the table that lays down in front of you so they can position your arm properly. She filled a 10cc syringe with blood and then transferred it to the appropriate tubes. Jonah was covering his eyes and thought Elijah should be scared so he covered his for him! Then Jonah asked the lady if she was going to give me that blood back after she was done because it was so much!

Overall I would say it was a success! They want to come back again and hopefully this will remain a novelty until the end, especially since my appointments are every 2 weeks now until February. For my next appointment Richard will be home on Christmas break so we are all planning on going. I am sure he can hardly wait he is so excited!

Jonah is convinced that he should be a doctor now and catch babies. He also said he is glad he doesn't ever have to have a baby and go to the doctor all the time. It was sure fun having them along and maybe Elijah will warm up to the idea by the time the kiddo makes his or her debut! I guess only time will tell.

Either way I am so grateful for a successful appointment and to hear that beautiful heartbeat. It seems like we have so long to go, but that it is also right around the corner! I can hardly wait!

With a heavy heart

Today my heart is heavy. I am going to a memorial service today. A service for my coworkers baby who passed away last week. I have fortunately not been to very many funerals in my life. I have also only been to one the funeral for a child.

My coworker had gone in for her 32 week OB appointment only to discover her baby had no heartbeat. She was induced the following day and delivered her beautiful son who had already gone to be with Jesus.

I can't even begin to fathom the pain, grief, emptiness, and shock she is experiencing. I have been spending many days in tears and on my knees for her and her family. How do you put one foot in front of the other? How do you tell your other children that you won't be bringing their baby brother home from the hospital? My friend has two small boys almost the same age as my own. And like me, she was expecting her third child. She was only 5 weeks further along than myself.

I have also been praying for my own heart. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I have spent days in fear not wanting to believe that my large, round belly is really my child and not a large tumor causing me to wear pants with an elastic waistband daily. Not wanting to become emotionally attached to this wonderful miracle of life that is constantly moving and reminding me of his or her presence. I have also spent days watching this little person exercise inside of me and relishing every moment as if it were the last one. I have spent days imagining how wonderful it will be to hold him or her in my arms and how amazing it will be to finally meet this little person.

If you are not new to my blog, you are well aware of my struggles with trusting the Lord and allowing myself to realize the little control I do have over my life. Allowing myself to willingly submit to His plan for my life. This past tuesday I took a giant leap towards trusting the Lord with this child. I bought a few fun little outfits that were on sale that our baby would be able to wear next fall. This is a big step for me. I have been torn between wanting to celebrate every second of this pregnancy and holding my breath every second.

That night as I hung these tiny things in our baby's closet I felt as though I had climbed a large mountain. I felt as though I was ready to spend more days in the future looking forward to the birth of my child and getting to know him or her, rather than spending my days in fear of loosing this baby. I felt this was a huge victory for my heart. I also decided I was ready to continue sorting through things in the office or soon-to-be nursery in order to prepare for this little one's birth.

The next morning I received the phone call telling me about the horrible news of my friend's baby. I cried, screamed, and immediately allowed myself to live in fear. Selfishly for my own child who could easily be gone in a few weeks rather than continuing to grow inside of me. I prayed for my friend and that I may continue trusting the Lord despite the reality I was facing.

Again I sit with a heavy heart. I pray my friend will be surrounded my peace, comfort and strength as she grieves the loss of her son. I pray she will feel the Lord's arms wrapped around her and her family. I pray for the days when she is recovering from delivery and has no sweet baby to hold and love. I pray for the days when she has to put away all the little baby things she had pulled out to prepare for this little one's birth. I pray for her heart. I pray it will not be heavy but light as she rejoices in the fact that her son is with the heavenly father. I pray that she too will be able to trust in the Lord's plan.

I pray that I will continue to seek the Lord during these times of fear and worry. I pray I will continue to rejoice in each movement and each day I have with my own miracle. I pray that I will remember that God is in control. I know His plan is the best and it will prevail. I know that even though my heart is heavy, He will carry this load for me if I just ask him too.

Thank you for Bruce

2 years ago I was laying on an operating table, holding Richard's hand, with tears streaming down my face as my obgyn doctor performed a D & C. Taking my baby who had been inside of me for 3 months, but had passed away days before. I would begin a long, dark walk after this through depression and my relationship with the Lord would only be strengthened.

A year ago I sat with tears streaming down my face and typed as the Lord allowed me to take the exact words from my heart and place them on a page in this post. It had taken me a whole year, but I was able to see a glimpse of how the Lord had used our sweet baby's short life to glorify His name. It was only the fact that our hardship had been for His glory that helped me survive.

I was able to say Thank You for losing our sweet Grace. Thank you for taking our baby, thank you for being with me in the darkness as I cried, questioned, and struggled with how this could be. Thank you for leading me down this path of darkness and holding me close every step of the way.

Last year Angie Smith challenged her blog readers to be thankful for something that they desired to feel the opposite about. Like loosing a child. We are instructed in the bible to be thankful in all things, whether we perceive them as good or bad.

This year, with tears streaming down my face again, I can say Thank you for "Bruce". Did I just say Bruce??? Yep, you heard me...Bruce. Although I could sit for hours and type all I am thankful for and yet again love to reflect on how God has provided in so many ways for our family, this year I am thankful for "Bruce".

"Bruce" is the name that our littlest one has inherited until birth. The little one that is thriving at 26 weeks in my belly. The little miracle that we have prayed and waited for the past 2 1/2 years. The little one that has also helped me try not to take any moment for granted. The little one that I know is not guaranteed to survive another day yet alone until birth. Not because there is anything wrong that we know of, but because I do not know God's plan for him or her. The little one that is helping me enjoy every kick, move and moment of life instead of worrying about what will happen tomorrow. The little life that I am praising the Lord for.

***(Bruce is our child's name for now because his or her two big brothers think we should name the baby Bruce Wayne Batman. Since that name doesn't happen to be on our list, we are compromising and calling the baby bruce until he or she is born)***

I am comforted by the fact that God is sovereign and His plan will prevail. Do I wonder what life would be like with little Grace running around here instead of watching us from heaven? Sure, however I know that wasn't God's plan for her life.

So despite not knowing what tomorrow will bring, I thank the Lord for so many things. Thank you for a loving husband who I couldn't live without. One who this year you have blessed with a job he loves and where you are working through him. One who is everything I could ever have imagined and more. One who I pray I will grow old with.

Thank you for two small boys who I love so much and am enjoying every minute of their lives (well maybe not the minutes when they are disobedient and grumpy, but most of the minutes). Who you are using to shape and mold me daily Lord. Who have blessed me in more ways than I can fathom. Who I am so thankful to call my children and be called mommy by.

Thank you for Grace. Thank you for her life, for continuing to use her to help others see the light when they are facing the same darkness. Thank you for Bruce. I pray you continue to protect him or her as that little one grows and prepares for life out here.

Thank you for a wonderful family who loves us and supports us and who we couldn't be without. What a blessing it has been to be close to family this past year!

Thank you for friends who are your hands and feet and whom we have been beginning to form relationships with that will hopefully last a long time.

Thank you for so much more. I look forward to seeing what the Lord has in store for us over the next year. I pray you are able to reflect upon God's plan for your life and praise His name despite the circumstances you are facing.

Loving my body

What a powerful title huh? How often do you hear people say they love their body? Ummm, probably almost never. I know there are a few of you crazies out there who don't struggle with self esteem issues when it comes to your body and I say good for you! I, on the other hand, am one of many who have struggled with this for a long time.

Since this is a very loaded subject, I am going to state that the following statements/thoughts that are shared are those of my own. I do not mean to offend anyone or make anyone feel poorly about themselves. I am simply sharing my heart, being real, and being honest.

Loving my body has never been easy for me. In fact, I can probably say that if I am truly honest, you would rarely hear me state that I do love my body. Why is this so hard? Why do so many people (women and men) struggle with this? My battle began a long time ago and the older I get, the more I realize it may never go away. I became very obsessed with exercise, eating right, dieting, and how thin I was at a young age. My mind played many tricks on itself and I was fortunately rescued from the darkness of the lies before I could hurt myself too badly.

However, as a result of many years of this negative, inaccurate, distorted way of thinking, I've always had to keep my guard up. If you have never struggled with this you probably won't understand. Ever since I was able to see the light and was pulled from the dark pit of lies, I have been scared to death that I will be sucked back in again. Every time I start exercising on a regular basis I have to be careful the cycle won't repeat itself. The frightening thing is that it is deep subconscious thoughts that start telling me to focus on the numbers again (calories, miles, minutes, pounds, etc) and I become obsessed with these numbers and loose sight of why I am exercising: to feel good about myself and be healthy.

Pregnancy always magnifies this for me in many ways. First, because I vomit the ENTIRE pregnancy. It is of course worse in the first 20 weeks and slowly improves until the end. With my first 2 pregnancies weight gain was an issue as a result. I was also continuously dehydrated and in need of IV fluids during my pregnancy as a result. This time I have been taking zofran (a beautiful anti-nausea drug) that has solved that problem. Second, because I puke my guts out for so long and loose so much weight at first I end up having negative energy and spend many weeks on the couch or in bed. I am not complaining about this and am thankful for the constant reminder that it is a healthy pregnancy. Last, because of my history, I have felt it is safest to not exercise and not put myself in a situation in which I could harm my baby by overdoing it or not eating enough.

This pregnancy I had hoped I would be able to exercise regularly, just because I feel so much better about myself when I am able to do that. I also had been doing it on a regular basis before getting pregnant as a way of coping with our infertility. It helped distract me and motivated me to take better care of myself. Since I was the sickest with this pregnancy, I caved and have been taking the zofran to help with the throwing up and nausea. It has been a miracle drug for me. I have been able to function as a normal person and take care of myself and my family.

So I started feeling more human around 18 weeks and prayed for another week about rejoining our local gym. I still felt unsure of whether or not this was a good idea. I wanted to start exercising again because I have been struggling with loving my body due to my "normal weight gain" during this pregnancy. I feel huge and still have a ways to go. I did not experience this with my first 2 because I wasn't taking the zofran. When I started to feel bad about myself I decided to do something about it.

The day I laid it at God's feet asking Him to help me know if this was a wise decision or not he answered LOUD and CLEAR. The next day I had contractions the entire day and had some bleeding as a result. I was very frustrated by this and spent some time pouting and crying about it. However, I am thankful for the clear answer. I have not had problems with preterm labor or delivery before and am not going to start now.

I am still having them off and on and definitely notice when I overdo it and need to ease up a bit. As a result I have been focusing on loving my body instead of being depressed by it. I wish I didn't throw up the whole time, I wish I didn't have body image issues, and I wish I wasn't contracting already.

However, I am overwhelmed with joy and praise for this life inside of me. I would choose a few extra pounds, some undesirable bulges, and a rounder look over no baby any day. I am also looking forward to working out after this little one arrives. I know it will be hard and I am constantly praying for the Lord to help me turn my negative thoughts into praises.

Some women are blessed with a "perfect" pregnancy and are able to run, exercise, eat without puking, and only feel rotten for a few weeks or months. I am however not one of them. I think it is wonderful if you are one of the lucky ones who does not struggle with any of my above mentioned issues. Wether you are or not, please don't judge. Instead encourage someone who does need it. Encourage them to LOVE their body, even when they don't feel like it.

I would love to be one with a "perfect" pregnancy, but am not. So, instead I am choosing to love my body. I am loving the life that is constantly moving and is showing his or her personality already. I am also thankful for a healthy little one!

So no working out for this girl until sometime after March 4th. If there is anything I have learned in the past 6 years working in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit it is that the best NICU is inside mom! Looking a little thiner or having less weight to loose after isn't worth the risk of my baby coming too soon. Instead I can enjoy my time with the boys and work on loving my body! That will definitely be harder for me than making myself go to the gym every day!