Tuesday, February 3, 2009

What? I am NOT in control?

This post is a hard one for me to write. If you know me well, you know that I struggle with CONTROL. Or, at least the control I think I have. I have always struggled with letting go of this control and giving it to God. The past few weeks have been filled with God bringing me to my knees constantly, willing me to give up the little perceived control I do have.  I should be cleaning my house, folding clothes, or doing something more productive, but I have been able to have some quiet time and felt compelled to share this with you all. (Whoever you all are ;0)

As you may or may not know, I am the mother of two beautiful boys. They are healthy, wonderful, beautiful, and God has trusted them to me for this short time on Earth. I also am the mother to another child who is up in Heaven, whole, perfect, and safe. Grace. I have been waiting for our third child for almost two years. I know God has a plan for our lives and for mine. I see how He has brought me through so many trials, tribulations, and triumphs to get to where I am today. I can't however see what lies ahead. As much as I think I need to, I can't. I must continue to trust God and wait. I also have realized I have been able to rejoice with the Lord during good times and bad. However, I have less often come to Him in Praise when I am on my knees begging for just a glimpse of what lies ahead. This is what I find unnatural. Praise you when it doesn't go my way Lord? Praise you when I lose control and can't give it to you? Praise you when I don't trust Your will? 

What? I am NOT in control? So, here I am. I encourage you (whoever you are) to join me and Praise the Lord when it is the hardest. Praise Him when you are unable to move forward any longer, when all you want to do is run, when all you want to do is stay in your house all day so you can avoid being reminded of the control you DON'T have. 

Please don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and thankful for what I do have. I know there are so many loving couples who are struggling with infertility or have struggled for years and don't have a little person climbing into bed when they are scared, or someone to read stories to before bed.  I also know the Lord is changing my heart and helping me enjoy each day and not worry so much about what will happen in the future. 

I am so thankful for my wonderful husband, family, and friends who have walked this with me/us. You know who you are and I pray you know we wouldn't have made it this far without you. Thank you. I also pray for the day that I will be able to rejoice with you all because we were faithful and waited patiently. 

I also wanted to say the Lord is good and I find peace in knowing He has a plan and His plan will prevail. I also LOVE when he speaks to me in so many ways when I finally give in and fall to my knees. 

For example, last week I finally was able to Praise the Lord in my sadness and pray for His will instead of the desires of my heart. That same day I randomly picked out a movie at the library for Richard and I to watch. I did not read the back, just picked it from the picture on front, title, and rating. It turned out to be a Christian flick, which I normally am not such a fan, because I find most of them too cheesy to use as a light to those seeking Christ. This one, was a little cheesy, but definitely inspirational and left Richard teary eyed, and me sobbing. "Facing the Giants" is a must see! I won't say more for those who do want to see it. 

This same day I also happened to check out a blog, I followed last spring and hadn't checked since October. I found a prayer on Boothe's blog that spoke directly to my heart and soul. 

If this wasn't enough, Jonah came to me randomly that day and told me, "Mom, Jesus told me to keep praying for a baby sister. Ok?" 

So, here I am NOT in control and ok with it. I am Praising the Lord for a new day each day to Praise Him. I pray the Lord uses this to speak to others who are also struggling. Please let me know how I can pray for you and Praise the Lord together when we don't want to. 


jamie said...

hard but great place to be friend! Hab. 3.17,18 is a favorite!
love ya

Prachar family said...

THank you for your words...I am crying to hard to offer you scripture of encouragement...give me a few moments! Thanks for sharing your heart. I love you!

sweetander said...

Hi - What's your new e-mail address? I'd love to chat over e-mail sometime after reading your blog. My e-mail is sweetander@hotmail.com...