With a heavy heart

Today my heart is heavy. I am going to a memorial service today. A service for my coworkers baby who passed away last week. I have fortunately not been to very many funerals in my life. I have also only been to one the funeral for a child.

My coworker had gone in for her 32 week OB appointment only to discover her baby had no heartbeat. She was induced the following day and delivered her beautiful son who had already gone to be with Jesus.

I can't even begin to fathom the pain, grief, emptiness, and shock she is experiencing. I have been spending many days in tears and on my knees for her and her family. How do you put one foot in front of the other? How do you tell your other children that you won't be bringing their baby brother home from the hospital? My friend has two small boys almost the same age as my own. And like me, she was expecting her third child. She was only 5 weeks further along than myself.

I have also been praying for my own heart. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I have spent days in fear not wanting to believe that my large, round belly is really my child and not a large tumor causing me to wear pants with an elastic waistband daily. Not wanting to become emotionally attached to this wonderful miracle of life that is constantly moving and reminding me of his or her presence. I have also spent days watching this little person exercise inside of me and relishing every moment as if it were the last one. I have spent days imagining how wonderful it will be to hold him or her in my arms and how amazing it will be to finally meet this little person.

If you are not new to my blog, you are well aware of my struggles with trusting the Lord and allowing myself to realize the little control I do have over my life. Allowing myself to willingly submit to His plan for my life. This past tuesday I took a giant leap towards trusting the Lord with this child. I bought a few fun little outfits that were on sale that our baby would be able to wear next fall. This is a big step for me. I have been torn between wanting to celebrate every second of this pregnancy and holding my breath every second.

That night as I hung these tiny things in our baby's closet I felt as though I had climbed a large mountain. I felt as though I was ready to spend more days in the future looking forward to the birth of my child and getting to know him or her, rather than spending my days in fear of loosing this baby. I felt this was a huge victory for my heart. I also decided I was ready to continue sorting through things in the office or soon-to-be nursery in order to prepare for this little one's birth.

The next morning I received the phone call telling me about the horrible news of my friend's baby. I cried, screamed, and immediately allowed myself to live in fear. Selfishly for my own child who could easily be gone in a few weeks rather than continuing to grow inside of me. I prayed for my friend and that I may continue trusting the Lord despite the reality I was facing.

Again I sit with a heavy heart. I pray my friend will be surrounded my peace, comfort and strength as she grieves the loss of her son. I pray she will feel the Lord's arms wrapped around her and her family. I pray for the days when she is recovering from delivery and has no sweet baby to hold and love. I pray for the days when she has to put away all the little baby things she had pulled out to prepare for this little one's birth. I pray for her heart. I pray it will not be heavy but light as she rejoices in the fact that her son is with the heavenly father. I pray that she too will be able to trust in the Lord's plan.

I pray that I will continue to seek the Lord during these times of fear and worry. I pray I will continue to rejoice in each movement and each day I have with my own miracle. I pray that I will remember that God is in control. I know His plan is the best and it will prevail. I know that even though my heart is heavy, He will carry this load for me if I just ask him too.