Monday, May 7, 2012

One Defeated Momma

If I had a little white flag to wave I would.

I the war of motherhood over then?

The past week and a half has been challenging.

I am exhausted and running on autopilot.

Isaac is still in a lots of pain and I am doing everything I can to keep him inside or at least keep his bandaged hand clean if he does go outside. 

Olivia had her 6 month shots Friday and has been grumpy and wanting to be held.

She looked good and measured in at 28" for height (over 100%) and was a peanut weighing in at 15lbs 9.7oz (39% for weight) making her quite a bit smaller than her brothers.

Between the 2 of them, Richard and I have both been up many times in the night and have only had one night where everyone actually slept from 11 pm to 6 am.

Tylenol with codeine and Ibuprofen are keeping Isaac doesn't help that he won't slow down and just lay low.  He is limiting his activity with his left hand, but that is about it. 

The older 2 have been great, but are wanting a bit of attention and are making me feel bad that I am running on empty and don't have much left for them after just dealing with the other 2 all day.

Today I woke up and thought I would approach the day with a good attitude, despite the fact that Richard has a track meet in Fargo and is gone for the evening, that I had another sleepless night, and feel like I might get turned into child services if they stopped by and saw the pigsty of a house we are living in.

What about motherhood isn't challenging and exhausting right?

Surely things will turn around soon and we will have a "good day" right?


That positive thinking was sucked out of me by 11am.

Or maybe 1030....the day is a bit of a blur.

I threw Isaac in the tub and was letting him get his hand wet on his own terms as we hadn't really gotten it wet yet and I felt it needed to be done.

The toilet in the basement overflowed this weekend and while it had gotten unplugged and most of the water had been cleaned up with towels, the floor hadn't gotten cleaned yet.

So Richard was doing that while I was gathering laundry.

Isaac created a lake in the bathroom on the floor while I was starting laundry, creating even more laundry (towels, bath rugs, etc) and I had just stripped beds and started bedding laundry.

Bath time took a bit longer as he was tentative about getting his hand wet and changing his dressing is time consuming, challenging and exhausting.

This morning I put the milk in the cupboard, a dryer sheet in the washing machine, almost put Butt paste on my toothbrush, looked for my phone for 5 minutes when it was in my hand the whole time, and grabbed one of Olivia's diapers to put on Isaac.

Then I wondered if maybe it was unsafe for me to be a mother today!

We had to make a quick trip to Target for some essentials and met my dad at Subway for lunch.

Isaac proceeded to have an epic tantrum while we were there.

It was almost time for more pain meds, he was probably tired, and wouldn't eat (only time he doesn't really eat is when he is hurting).

Let's just say it wasn't pretty and Olivia joined him all the way home, into the house, and she took the tantrum baton from him while I laid him down for a nap.

She crashed and I did too...for 20 minutes.

Then she was upset until it was time to wake Isaac and head to school.

Just as we were frantically trying to get out the door to get Jonah from began down pouring.

I said, "really? It's going to rain right now? It's going to POUR right now?"

Elijah was real sweet and said, "Mom, is this a bad time for you?"

We managed to get to the car and pick up  Jonah and I was thinking of grabbing a pizza on the way home and Isaac started on another tantrum so we headed home instead.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with lots of tears, a few more tantrums, a few S.O.S. calls to my parents for encouragement, & plenty of prayers for patience and peace.

Speaking of patience, whoever said patience was a virtue has never raised a toddler before!

I did something I have never done before...I ordered Pizza to be delivered!

We usually pick it up. Jonah was adorable and gently reminded me of this when I realized we weren't going to make it to the pizza store in one piece.

The poor delivery guy might not ever have children after he witnessed 1 minute and 30 seconds of my home: Olivia screaming on my hip and trying to eat me through my shirt, Isaac singing at the top of his lungs and running while shaking his head back and forth, Elijah wearing multiple pieces of costumes doing ninja moves with Jonah chasing him.

Somehow we made it through the day and as I am enjoying the sweet sound of sleeping children (and a large bowl of frozen yogurt), I know I need to change my game plan for tomorrow.

What can I do differently so I make it through the day without thinking I am going to have an emotional breakdown?

My mom was very encouraging this afternoon when I called her and asked if she ever felt as though she was going to have an emotional breakdown when my sisters and I were little.

She laughed and said of course.

This is good news because I only have memories of my mom being Super mom, not crazy-psycho-haven't-slept-for-2-weeks-on-the-verge-of-an-emotional-breakdown-mom. 

Maybe my kids won't remember these days.

She reminded me that being a mother is the hardest yet most rewarding job there ever was.  She told me I was doing a great job and I couldn't put my worth in the state of my house.

She also reminded me that this wouldn't last forever.

She is so smart!

Why is it so easy though to feel like a failure because my bathroom floors are streaked with urine, my hampers are overflowing, my kitchen floor is growing things, and my halls are lined with dust bunnies and their entire relatives?

Why is it so easy to feel like a failure when our children throw a tantrum at Subway because they just want to drink their chocolate milk and not eat their sandwich?

Why aren't more mothers of small children alcoholics or in the psych ward?

Why is motherhood so hard, yet so rewarding?

How can my house that was so crazy just a few hours ago be so peaceful right now?

While I can't answer all these questions, I do know that tomorrow is a new day and another chance.

God has blessed me with these 4 precious little ones for a reason (while I often wonder if he mistook me for someone more qualified) I know he is with me each day helping me make it.

I know I am not alone.

God is there.

So is my husband who reminds me daily that I am not a failure and that I am an excellent mother.

So is my family who comes and offers a helping hand and a hug when I need it!

So are my fabulous friends who bring me a coffee, give my kids rides to and from school, offer to bring  over dinner, listen to my tears, text me during the day to make sure I am still alive, and take me shopping for a few hours when I need a time out from my house.

I hope tomorrow brings a day of encouragement rather than defeat.

I guess if it doesn't I will have something to blog about and a good excuse to enjoy another large bowl of frozen yogurt and an adult beverage before bed right?

1 comment:

Loren H. said...

Oh, these make me smile. Not at the expense of papa and mama, but the fact that I can picture it all happening and mama and papa doing it and doing it all so gracefully--that makes me smile! It is almost like I am looking into our future and seeing the beautiful frenzy at our house, too.

Hang in there, Dafoe Family! Keep smiling...and praying...and indulging in adult beverages!!!!