Breaking my heart

Today the boys went back to daycare for the first time since I went into labor before Christmas. They enjoy the home daycare they go to and are usually upset when I come to get them and don't want to leave. Which is a comforting feeling even though it makes getting out the door a little difficult!

Today however they were both pretty happy to be picked up and seemed as though they had a good time. I only slept for a few hours today after working last night and picked them up for naps. They went down for naps pretty well, so I felt pretty good about this big change. But when they woke up I learned the truth: neither one of them is a fan of this change.

I must confess that before the past year and a half I have never desired to be a full time stay at home mom (SAHM). When we moved back from Iowa a year and a half ago I started working part time instead of full time and have LOVED it! It has been a great way to keep up my nursing skills while getting to be home with my boys. However, more and more my heart has been longing to be home all the time.

Being placed on bedrest was a very difficult thing for me as I am not a fan of NOT being in control and it was humbling to have to rely on others to take care of myself and my family. God is good and He blessed us in so many ways while I was trying to stay pregnant as long as possible. I wasted lots of negative energy on being frustrated that I was using up my maternity leave before the baby came, that we would be cutting it pretty close with money, that I was "useless" around the house, etc. But, by the grace of God the boys were able to stay home with me the ENTIRE time and they were great! I couldn't have done it without all the angels who stopped by to help out with them, bringing us meals, toys, movies, and just company.

I loved being home with them though. I am hoping that someday soon I will be able to be home with them full time and take a flex position in the NICU working a weekend here or there and not being restricted to a certain number of hours a week. We could avoid daycare and I could be home with our kiddos. Until then I am very thankful for the current arrangement which involves me only working two 12 hour night shifts a week at the hospital.

So today was rough for me for many reasons including that I wish I could still be home with the boys. It was also hard because I know their little world is going to be rocked in a few days or weeks with the arrival of a new baby. Then I will be home again for awhile and have to go back to work eventually.

So my heart was broken this afternoon when Elijah came to me and confessed that he wasn't happy with the current situation. It began with the best tantrum I have ever seen him throw because I wouldn't drive him to Target and buy him a toy he wanted that the little boy at daycare had just gotten. While I was in their room putting clothes away he put his boots, coat, hat and mittens on and in between tears told me he was ready. He yelled, screamed, kicked, and demanded I take him NOW!

I was in a bit of shock at first, and quickly realized this was the reaction I had been expecting all along, but just hadn't seen. Once I discovered what the real issue was I scooped him up and we headed into the nursery to "rockabye" and snuggle. I let him cry and vent about how he hated that I had to work again, that I was having a baby, that he had to go to daycare, and that I couldn't just be his mommy at home like I had for the other days. It ended in both of us being in tears as we talked about how change is hard and sometimes it just feels good to cry and talk about what makes us sad.

Poor Richard came home in the heat of it all and was worried something was wrong with the baby or me. Once I clued him in to the culprit behind all the tears he saved the day by suggesting we all go on a date to Starbucks after supper. So that is what we did.

The four of us went to Starbucks for hot chocolate, cookies, and a little old maid. It was a great time and something we hadn't done for a very long time. When we left the boys told me that was the bestest date ever! I thought it was pretty great myself!

So tomorrow I am home with them all day and even though I would love to spend the day cleaning, doing laundry, and getting a few more things done before Bruce comes, I think we are going to have to spend most of it just hanging out together. I am sure we can play a little superheroes, do a puzzle or two, play some games, and maybe even build a fort.

Change is hard. Even if it is a good change. Whether you are 3 or 26 years old. God knows this and perhaps is granting me just a few more days with just my boys before Bruce changes it up. For that I am thankful and am going to cherish each moment we have.