Bring on the snow!

I am trying to catch up on blogging so here are a few pictures from the past few weeks and our beautiful snow we finally have! The first real snow fall was December 1st! It has been nice and COLD up here and it finally feels like Christmas is coming. The boys have been enjoying it as much as possible despite the negative temps and wonderful North Dakota wind.

Isn't it pretty?

The first time out playing in the snow...it was in the mid 30s and they were out there for hours!

Here are my boys getting ready to go sledding for the first time of the year. They were so excited to spend what felt like hours getting the 500 layers I required them to wear and then pose for a picture! I opted to stay inside and keep the baby warm ;0) The sledding trip was a success and they are looking forward to many more days in the snow.

Of course after sledding you have to warm up with some hot chocolate and a good book!

We hope you are all staying nice and warm and getting ready to celebrate the birth of Christ!
(Wow, I wonder if I could use a few more exclamation points this post?!?!)

28 weeks and an OB appointment with two toddlers!

Hurray we are 28 weeks! This is a monumental milestone for me for a few reasons. One being that if I do go into labor early our baby will be able to stay at Altru in Grand Forks! The other just being that we are simply one more week closer to meeting the little bugger! I am still having contractions and they are getting a lot stronger and a little more frequent. Please keep praying for the protection of this little one. My OB is confident it is just my uterus being more sensitive since this isn't the first time around the block ;0) I was feeling pretty good about it until last night when they were so strong and frequent that I almost went to the hospital! Thankfully they stopped before I decided to go.

I did however bring the boys with to my 28 week appointment yesterday. It was the first one they had been to and it was quite an adventure. I also realized they hadn't been with me when I had gone to the doctor before period. Jonah had, but when he was too little to remember. They thought this was fascinating since I have been with them to almost every single appointment they have ever had at the doctor.

We spent quite a bit of time discussing what happens ahead of time since they were so curious. I explained that I had a girl doctor and she was very nice and walked through what would happen. (In Iowa the boys had a female pediatrician and when we moved to GF we switched to a male. They were flabbergasted that boys could be doctors too). They wanted to know if I would do the same things that they did when they went to the doctor (get weighed, measured, have my arm get a hug by the blood pressure cuff, and get a shot). I told them that I would have all those things done except a shot, but they would have to take some of my blood for some tests to make sure I was feeling ok.

They were pretty cute when we got there and were very excited to see where I went to the doctor and that it was my turn and they wouldn't have to do anything! I forgot about the whole peeing in a cup business (since it is so routine at this point since you do it at every appointment). When we checked into the receptionist she handed me the cup and said after I peed to come back for my orange crush (for my glucose test).

Of course Jonah, who doesn't miss anything, overheard this and pulled me aside with a concerned look in his eyes. He said "Mom, did she say you have to pee in that cup?" I laughed and told him yes I do so they can make sure I am not sick. He asked how I was going to do that because it was such a small cup and if it was hard to get the pee in it. Then he thought it was good that I got a prize for peeing in the cup since it seemed so hard to do. I asked him what he meant and he said, "well that lady said you get a pop if you pee in that cup, so don't mess up mom!"

I brought both boys into the bathroom with me and tried to as discreetly as possible pee in the cup. Elijah was oblivious to the whole thing and wanted to know if the baby would be changed on the diaper changing table like he did when he was little. Jonah was front and center and was fascinated that I was able to do this. Afterwards we were fortunately called into the office quickly and the poor nurse was hounded with questions about everything and anything she was doing. They wanted to know how many numbers I was (my weight) and how she knew what numbers to pick when she was hugging my arm (blood pressure), and what all the colors meant on the dip stick they use to test your urine.

We only had to wait about 15 minutes before my doctor came in and they did a good job of sitting as still as possible while we waited and played "I spy" with the items in the room. (Probably only safe if your kids aren't old enough to know what the pictures are of). I will probably not share this information with them when they get older or if I do, they can add it to the therapy time they will receive for everything else they have experienced.

When my OB came in she stopped and introduced herself to them and asked them about the new baby coming and what they thought. She was so sweet and I was so relieved to see her interacting so much with them. I have always felt confident with her and enjoyed my appointments. She does an excellent job of making me feel as though I am a very important patient, not rushing through our time together and especially being up to date on my crazy history and concerns. While we were chatting about my contractions that are still persisting, the boys managed to take apart the stirrups in the bed! Good thing they are easy to put back together :0)

Next it was my turn to be measured and to find that beautiful little heartbeat. Jonah was dying to use the doppler and I told him he could probably do this, but we would have to wait and ask. I thought he was going to explode from excitement when she asked if anyone wanted to help her do the next part. She pushed the chair up for him and let him squirt the gel on my belly and use the doppler. He was one proud big brother when he found it right away! A beautiful 140 beats per minute!

Elijah confirmed my suspicions of jealousy being a problem when this little one arrives by being very clingy, not interested in helping, and proclaiming he was crabby whenever anyone asked him a question. Oh well, I can hardly blame the guy he is a momma's boy to the T and at least we can be more conscious of it. He also spent the rest of the day saying he isn't a BIG brother but a LITTLE brother!

After the exam portion of my appointment we headed to the lab to wait until exactly one hour after I chugged the delicious orange Crush. The boys were a little nervous waiting and their little eyes were just about popping out of their head while the lab tech drew my blood. They remained about a foot away and refused to come hold my hand. They were also a little concerned that I was trapped when I sat down in the chair and the lab tech lowered the table that lays down in front of you so they can position your arm properly. She filled a 10cc syringe with blood and then transferred it to the appropriate tubes. Jonah was covering his eyes and thought Elijah should be scared so he covered his for him! Then Jonah asked the lady if she was going to give me that blood back after she was done because it was so much!

Overall I would say it was a success! They want to come back again and hopefully this will remain a novelty until the end, especially since my appointments are every 2 weeks now until February. For my next appointment Richard will be home on Christmas break so we are all planning on going. I am sure he can hardly wait he is so excited!

Jonah is convinced that he should be a doctor now and catch babies. He also said he is glad he doesn't ever have to have a baby and go to the doctor all the time. It was sure fun having them along and maybe Elijah will warm up to the idea by the time the kiddo makes his or her debut! I guess only time will tell.

Either way I am so grateful for a successful appointment and to hear that beautiful heartbeat. It seems like we have so long to go, but that it is also right around the corner! I can hardly wait!

With a heavy heart

Today my heart is heavy. I am going to a memorial service today. A service for my coworkers baby who passed away last week. I have fortunately not been to very many funerals in my life. I have also only been to one the funeral for a child.

My coworker had gone in for her 32 week OB appointment only to discover her baby had no heartbeat. She was induced the following day and delivered her beautiful son who had already gone to be with Jesus.

I can't even begin to fathom the pain, grief, emptiness, and shock she is experiencing. I have been spending many days in tears and on my knees for her and her family. How do you put one foot in front of the other? How do you tell your other children that you won't be bringing their baby brother home from the hospital? My friend has two small boys almost the same age as my own. And like me, she was expecting her third child. She was only 5 weeks further along than myself.

I have also been praying for my own heart. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I have spent days in fear not wanting to believe that my large, round belly is really my child and not a large tumor causing me to wear pants with an elastic waistband daily. Not wanting to become emotionally attached to this wonderful miracle of life that is constantly moving and reminding me of his or her presence. I have also spent days watching this little person exercise inside of me and relishing every moment as if it were the last one. I have spent days imagining how wonderful it will be to hold him or her in my arms and how amazing it will be to finally meet this little person.

If you are not new to my blog, you are well aware of my struggles with trusting the Lord and allowing myself to realize the little control I do have over my life. Allowing myself to willingly submit to His plan for my life. This past tuesday I took a giant leap towards trusting the Lord with this child. I bought a few fun little outfits that were on sale that our baby would be able to wear next fall. This is a big step for me. I have been torn between wanting to celebrate every second of this pregnancy and holding my breath every second.

That night as I hung these tiny things in our baby's closet I felt as though I had climbed a large mountain. I felt as though I was ready to spend more days in the future looking forward to the birth of my child and getting to know him or her, rather than spending my days in fear of loosing this baby. I felt this was a huge victory for my heart. I also decided I was ready to continue sorting through things in the office or soon-to-be nursery in order to prepare for this little one's birth.

The next morning I received the phone call telling me about the horrible news of my friend's baby. I cried, screamed, and immediately allowed myself to live in fear. Selfishly for my own child who could easily be gone in a few weeks rather than continuing to grow inside of me. I prayed for my friend and that I may continue trusting the Lord despite the reality I was facing.

Again I sit with a heavy heart. I pray my friend will be surrounded my peace, comfort and strength as she grieves the loss of her son. I pray she will feel the Lord's arms wrapped around her and her family. I pray for the days when she is recovering from delivery and has no sweet baby to hold and love. I pray for the days when she has to put away all the little baby things she had pulled out to prepare for this little one's birth. I pray for her heart. I pray it will not be heavy but light as she rejoices in the fact that her son is with the heavenly father. I pray that she too will be able to trust in the Lord's plan.

I pray that I will continue to seek the Lord during these times of fear and worry. I pray I will continue to rejoice in each movement and each day I have with my own miracle. I pray that I will remember that God is in control. I know His plan is the best and it will prevail. I know that even though my heart is heavy, He will carry this load for me if I just ask him too.

Thank you for Bruce

2 years ago I was laying on an operating table, holding Richard's hand, with tears streaming down my face as my obgyn doctor performed a D & C. Taking my baby who had been inside of me for 3 months, but had passed away days before. I would begin a long, dark walk after this through depression and my relationship with the Lord would only be strengthened.

A year ago I sat with tears streaming down my face and typed as the Lord allowed me to take the exact words from my heart and place them on a page in this post. It had taken me a whole year, but I was able to see a glimpse of how the Lord had used our sweet baby's short life to glorify His name. It was only the fact that our hardship had been for His glory that helped me survive.

I was able to say Thank You for losing our sweet Grace. Thank you for taking our baby, thank you for being with me in the darkness as I cried, questioned, and struggled with how this could be. Thank you for leading me down this path of darkness and holding me close every step of the way.

Last year Angie Smith challenged her blog readers to be thankful for something that they desired to feel the opposite about. Like loosing a child. We are instructed in the bible to be thankful in all things, whether we perceive them as good or bad.

This year, with tears streaming down my face again, I can say Thank you for "Bruce". Did I just say Bruce??? Yep, you heard me...Bruce. Although I could sit for hours and type all I am thankful for and yet again love to reflect on how God has provided in so many ways for our family, this year I am thankful for "Bruce".

"Bruce" is the name that our littlest one has inherited until birth. The little one that is thriving at 26 weeks in my belly. The little miracle that we have prayed and waited for the past 2 1/2 years. The little one that has also helped me try not to take any moment for granted. The little one that I know is not guaranteed to survive another day yet alone until birth. Not because there is anything wrong that we know of, but because I do not know God's plan for him or her. The little one that is helping me enjoy every kick, move and moment of life instead of worrying about what will happen tomorrow. The little life that I am praising the Lord for.

***(Bruce is our child's name for now because his or her two big brothers think we should name the baby Bruce Wayne Batman. Since that name doesn't happen to be on our list, we are compromising and calling the baby bruce until he or she is born)***

I am comforted by the fact that God is sovereign and His plan will prevail. Do I wonder what life would be like with little Grace running around here instead of watching us from heaven? Sure, however I know that wasn't God's plan for her life.

So despite not knowing what tomorrow will bring, I thank the Lord for so many things. Thank you for a loving husband who I couldn't live without. One who this year you have blessed with a job he loves and where you are working through him. One who is everything I could ever have imagined and more. One who I pray I will grow old with.

Thank you for two small boys who I love so much and am enjoying every minute of their lives (well maybe not the minutes when they are disobedient and grumpy, but most of the minutes). Who you are using to shape and mold me daily Lord. Who have blessed me in more ways than I can fathom. Who I am so thankful to call my children and be called mommy by.

Thank you for Grace. Thank you for her life, for continuing to use her to help others see the light when they are facing the same darkness. Thank you for Bruce. I pray you continue to protect him or her as that little one grows and prepares for life out here.

Thank you for a wonderful family who loves us and supports us and who we couldn't be without. What a blessing it has been to be close to family this past year!

Thank you for friends who are your hands and feet and whom we have been beginning to form relationships with that will hopefully last a long time.

Thank you for so much more. I look forward to seeing what the Lord has in store for us over the next year. I pray you are able to reflect upon God's plan for your life and praise His name despite the circumstances you are facing.

Loving my body

What a powerful title huh? How often do you hear people say they love their body? Ummm, probably almost never. I know there are a few of you crazies out there who don't struggle with self esteem issues when it comes to your body and I say good for you! I, on the other hand, am one of many who have struggled with this for a long time.

Since this is a very loaded subject, I am going to state that the following statements/thoughts that are shared are those of my own. I do not mean to offend anyone or make anyone feel poorly about themselves. I am simply sharing my heart, being real, and being honest.

Loving my body has never been easy for me. In fact, I can probably say that if I am truly honest, you would rarely hear me state that I do love my body. Why is this so hard? Why do so many people (women and men) struggle with this? My battle began a long time ago and the older I get, the more I realize it may never go away. I became very obsessed with exercise, eating right, dieting, and how thin I was at a young age. My mind played many tricks on itself and I was fortunately rescued from the darkness of the lies before I could hurt myself too badly.

However, as a result of many years of this negative, inaccurate, distorted way of thinking, I've always had to keep my guard up. If you have never struggled with this you probably won't understand. Ever since I was able to see the light and was pulled from the dark pit of lies, I have been scared to death that I will be sucked back in again. Every time I start exercising on a regular basis I have to be careful the cycle won't repeat itself. The frightening thing is that it is deep subconscious thoughts that start telling me to focus on the numbers again (calories, miles, minutes, pounds, etc) and I become obsessed with these numbers and loose sight of why I am exercising: to feel good about myself and be healthy.

Pregnancy always magnifies this for me in many ways. First, because I vomit the ENTIRE pregnancy. It is of course worse in the first 20 weeks and slowly improves until the end. With my first 2 pregnancies weight gain was an issue as a result. I was also continuously dehydrated and in need of IV fluids during my pregnancy as a result. This time I have been taking zofran (a beautiful anti-nausea drug) that has solved that problem. Second, because I puke my guts out for so long and loose so much weight at first I end up having negative energy and spend many weeks on the couch or in bed. I am not complaining about this and am thankful for the constant reminder that it is a healthy pregnancy. Last, because of my history, I have felt it is safest to not exercise and not put myself in a situation in which I could harm my baby by overdoing it or not eating enough.

This pregnancy I had hoped I would be able to exercise regularly, just because I feel so much better about myself when I am able to do that. I also had been doing it on a regular basis before getting pregnant as a way of coping with our infertility. It helped distract me and motivated me to take better care of myself. Since I was the sickest with this pregnancy, I caved and have been taking the zofran to help with the throwing up and nausea. It has been a miracle drug for me. I have been able to function as a normal person and take care of myself and my family.

So I started feeling more human around 18 weeks and prayed for another week about rejoining our local gym. I still felt unsure of whether or not this was a good idea. I wanted to start exercising again because I have been struggling with loving my body due to my "normal weight gain" during this pregnancy. I feel huge and still have a ways to go. I did not experience this with my first 2 because I wasn't taking the zofran. When I started to feel bad about myself I decided to do something about it.

The day I laid it at God's feet asking Him to help me know if this was a wise decision or not he answered LOUD and CLEAR. The next day I had contractions the entire day and had some bleeding as a result. I was very frustrated by this and spent some time pouting and crying about it. However, I am thankful for the clear answer. I have not had problems with preterm labor or delivery before and am not going to start now.

I am still having them off and on and definitely notice when I overdo it and need to ease up a bit. As a result I have been focusing on loving my body instead of being depressed by it. I wish I didn't throw up the whole time, I wish I didn't have body image issues, and I wish I wasn't contracting already.

However, I am overwhelmed with joy and praise for this life inside of me. I would choose a few extra pounds, some undesirable bulges, and a rounder look over no baby any day. I am also looking forward to working out after this little one arrives. I know it will be hard and I am constantly praying for the Lord to help me turn my negative thoughts into praises.

Some women are blessed with a "perfect" pregnancy and are able to run, exercise, eat without puking, and only feel rotten for a few weeks or months. I am however not one of them. I think it is wonderful if you are one of the lucky ones who does not struggle with any of my above mentioned issues. Wether you are or not, please don't judge. Instead encourage someone who does need it. Encourage them to LOVE their body, even when they don't feel like it.

I would love to be one with a "perfect" pregnancy, but am not. So, instead I am choosing to love my body. I am loving the life that is constantly moving and is showing his or her personality already. I am also thankful for a healthy little one!

So no working out for this girl until sometime after March 4th. If there is anything I have learned in the past 6 years working in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit it is that the best NICU is inside mom! Looking a little thiner or having less weight to loose after isn't worth the risk of my baby coming too soon. Instead I can enjoy my time with the boys and work on loving my body! That will definitely be harder for me than making myself go to the gym every day!

24 weeks

Today we are 24 weeks! Our baby is over 12 inches long and is over a pound! It is a kicking, moving, flipping, and active machine.

This little one is by far the most active and I am loving it ;0) It is definitely one of my favorite times during pregnancy...when you are big enough to look pregnant and the baby is small enough to move all over. This little one just might be the most stubborn little Dafoe yet.

At my dr's appointment on wednesday my dr was able to witness firsthand our little one's stubbornness. After I had already shared with my dr. that this little one is already showing his or her true colors with a little bit of an attitude, it took her 5 minutes to hear the heartbeat. Not because something was wrong with the baby, but because the baby was either moving too much or kicking the dr as she tried to hear the heartbeat! It was hard to not laugh at it while she was doing this also.

I was able to hold a friend's baby today at MOPS who was actually a former patient of mine in the NICU. He is doing wonderful and is up to 9lbs (5lbs heavier than when I last saw him). It was so marvelous to hold him against my chest and try to remember the boys being that small. I am so looking forward to snuggling this little one up as soon as he or she makes the big debut!

I have been asked if I am having twins when people find out when I am due! I know I am a little big, but didn't think I was that big. I was measuring a little big at my last appointment, but so was the baby at our ultrasound. I think this one will just be even bigger than the boys (if that is possible). Either way, I am trying to be thankful for a big, healthy baby and not feel hurt by the comments about multiples. Most people don't believe me that there is only one in there. They repeatedly ask if I am sure, have I had an ultrasound yet, etc. Sometimes I just say well actually there are 3! That shuts them up!

Productive Momma

Have you ever placed a task on your to-do list that was unobtainable but by just writing it on your list you felt productive? Maybe I am the only one. Either way I have been one productive momma for the past 3 days and have almost conquered the unobtainable! I have been crossing off things on a to-do list that have been there for months.

For those of you who don't know me very well I am a pack-rat, saver, and sentimental freak. I can find a way to become attached to just about anything and find a need to keep it. Ask my hubby. I also have a fear of throwing things that I "just might need" whether I will use the item in the near future or in years from its storage date. To put it into perspective for you, our oldest will soon be 5 years old and our youngest recently turned 3. I have saved ALL their clothes, shoes, coats, toys, art projects, etc. Not to mention all my notes from nursing school, text books, etc.

Now, since our boys are only 20 months apart this was wise, we have certainly gotten our money's worth of everything. However, now that our next child is due to arrive sometime at the beginning of March (give or take), I am wondering whatever possessed me to save all this stuff. We have no more room for storing it all so I have been left with no option but to start purging.

I can only thank Jesus and my husband for the motivation to purge and a desire to eliminate some unnecessary items from our home. I have also been feeling so rotten during this pregnancy that I have not had the energy or time to tackle this overwhelming project. Thus waiting to do this has only fueled my desire to start purging.

However, this week I have done it. Although we still have a long way to go, I am so proud of how much we were able to do (Richard has been helping too). Our spare bedroom upstairs/office/storage room/future nursery is starting to clear out. It feels amazing! Why hadn't I done this before! The funniest thing is that in the almost 6 1/2 years Richard and I have been married we have moved 4 times. This last move I did do some throwing, but was too overwhelmed with packing, working full time and trying to say goodbye to the place we had called home for so many years (remember the sentimental freak that I am).

I decided that this monumental occasion deserved a post of its own...and a list of all that has been done this week:

1. I went through the boys room from top to bottom, removing anything that was too small or wasn't worn and packed it up for the next kiddo or got rid of it. Anyone who has done this before knows this alone is no easy task!
2. Our whole family dumped every toy in our home out on the floor of the basement and we sorted, threw, gave away, and organized ALL the toys. We put all the toys that are no longer played with, but will probably be used be the next kiddo in bins, labeled them and stored them away.
3. Our generous neighbors down the street had given us 4 garbage bags full of clothes for our boys that their boys had outgrown. I went through all these bags and had Jonah and Elijah trying on clothes to see what fits for 45 minutes. They are now set for a long time and we even have a tote full of clothes for Jonah to grow into! What a HUGE blessing!
4. I am embarrassed to admit that we have boxes full of "stuff" that hasn't been touched since we moved over a year ago. I have made it through about 6 of these boxes and ended up throwing most of their contents.
5. I have taken 7 garbage bags full of clothes, household items, etc to the Salvation army. I have made 3 trips to Once Upon a Child and filled our garbage bins outside twice! Yikes!
6. We have been able to also give away quite a bit of toys, clothes, etc to friends who maybe in need of what we don't need anymore.
7. I have been getting rid of quite a bit of my own clothes that have been taking up space in my closet for far too long.
8. I have been able to clean out some of the "hot spots" in our house that are magnets for mail/paper pile ups.
9. I was able to sort through and pack up 3 sizes of clothes that Elijah has grown out of and had been stashed in the laundry room in various ways. It is now labeled and stored!
10. I also decided to clean our house since that has been greatly neglected during the past 2o some weeks ;0)
11. I have also started tackling sorting through the baby stuff (blankets, bottles, baby gear, etc) and organizing that. I of course made many sweet discoveries like the little tiny hat and mittens we needed for Jonah (born in December) that this little one will probably need too!

I am hoping to keep the purging going, but will be taking a short hiatus to let my body recover! I just wanted to let all you fellow pack-rat, sentimental freaks such as myself know that it can be done! You can throw, purge, and de-clutter your life!!!!! It sure feels good, give it a try.

Once we have a better internet connection I will have to post a picture of the office before we started cleaning ;0) It is quite remarkable! I hope you are all having a marvelous week and I bid you happy purging!